I live far away from my biological family, not a mindful decision but just following the flow of life after college. I ignored Mom's aging until more recently, when one incident after another has drawn me to the reality that Mom may not be there for me whenever I like. My romantic insistence of my at-will dependence on her inevitably eroded to a cold realization of her growing need of my strength, physically, financially and psychologically. Like me, she has a finality in this life, and chances are she'll leave me long before I reach my endpoint.
As I began to spend more time staying with Mom over the past decade, I have also learned how difficult it can be to cross the generation gap. Mom holds the position that she has authority over me when we're under the same room; I have strongly felt that I know better about things because I have studied more about things. My attempts to get her to listen to me have overall been futile. Funny thing is, Mom tells her other children that my know-it-all (I prefer "scientific") approach is ludicrous but she would tolerate me when I'm around. Our time together is usually fraught with making sure our mutual allies pointing fingers at the other person.
All these emotions suddenly dissipated on May 31, 2016. That night my sister Sue came to stay with us. I love any time I can have with my siblings. No matter what goes on when we're together, there is this intimate, tacit understanding and acceptance of each other that calms my soul. They help me locate my place in life. At close to midnight, Sue and I were talking about our recent ups and downs, when a big thump followed by a cry burst through the bathroom door. We knew what it was, but in that split second while I was experiencing extreme shock, Sue gave out this cry that one usually exhibits at the worst news about a loved one.
Sue is ready. She can cry out if Mom goes now. I still need to process my feelings. Or, are my feelings what needs to be processed?
We rushed to the bathroom. There was our mother, lying on the floor, unable to move. She wasn't even ready to moan from the head hitting the wall and the fall of her heavy body. Sue and I went to her sides to try to get her to sit up on the floor. Mom said she needed a chair to sit on instead. After I got the chair in, we realized that we were just not strong enough to hoist her to it. We needed Mom to use her legs for resistance to the floor so we could collectively make this work. After a few tries, Mom was finally on the chair. As soon as she could move her arms sitting down, she asked us to leave her to clean herself up.
I was brought up learning and believing that civility or "禮" (pronounced "li") for high courtesy should be the supreme rule over society and our action. Therefore, when I first pondered on the apparent anger that Noah held against his one of his sons in the Old Testament, I had no problem concluding that it was because the middle child Ham had seen him naked. As I grew older and adopted the concept of proportional punishment, I wondered occasionally why Noah, being the patriarch after the Big Flood and the rebeginning of the humankind, would curse his posterity so.
We rushed to the bathroom. There was our mother, lying on the floor, unable to move. She wasn't even ready to moan from the head hitting the wall and the fall of her heavy body. Sue and I went to her sides to try to get her to sit up on the floor. Mom said she needed a chair to sit on instead. After I got the chair in, we realized that we were just not strong enough to hoist her to it. We needed Mom to use her legs for resistance to the floor so we could collectively make this work. After a few tries, Mom was finally on the chair. As soon as she could move her arms sitting down, she asked us to leave her to clean herself up.
I was brought up learning and believing that civility or "禮" (pronounced "li") for high courtesy should be the supreme rule over society and our action. Therefore, when I first pondered on the apparent anger that Noah held against his one of his sons in the Old Testament, I had no problem concluding that it was because the middle child Ham had seen him naked. As I grew older and adopted the concept of proportional punishment, I wondered occasionally why Noah, being the patriarch after the Big Flood and the rebeginning of the humankind, would curse his posterity so.
The story goes that Noah had now become a farmer and owned a vineyard:
21 And he drank of the wine, and was drunken; and he was uncovered within his tent.
22 And Ham, the father of Canaan, saw the nakedness of his father, and told his two brethren without.
23 And Shem and Japheth took a garment, and laid it upon both their shoulders, and went backward, and covered the nakedness of their father; and their faces werebackward, and they saw not their father’s nakedness.
24 And Noah awoke from his wine, and knew what his younger son had done unto him.25 And he said, Cursed be Canaan; a servant of servants shall he be unto his brethren.
Genesis 9: 21-25
While the issue of Noah cursing his grandson for his displeasure with his son is topic for another day, it is safe to say that the neglect of one's parent's dignity is at a minimum uncivil and cuts into the integrity of the imaginary li. The hallmark "and they saw not their father’s nakedness" points to the need for sensitivity and for acknowledging hierarchical order when it comes to our parents' frailty of sorts.
One of the most painful things to go through in life is probably having to watch our loved ones slowly falling apart. We are often powerless as they change, and old memories of their more vibrant selves would interfere with our accepting their new changes. My mom is slowly losing her battle to physical and mental decline, but it's me that benefits from standing by.
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